Beyond Bruises: Cultural Obligations and Domestic Abuse in Marriage

As a family law attorney and former associate family court judge, I’ve handled thousands of domestic violence cases, but each story is as heart-wrenching as the last. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and today, I want to talk about something that often goes unspoken: the role cultural expectations play in keeping women trapped in abusive marriages. Lena’s story, shared on a recent episode of lovelustfriday’s, shines a light on this.

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The Perfect Wife

Growing up, Lena was taught to be the perfect wife—to put her husband’s needs above her own, even when those needs were suffocating her. From the very start of her relationship, Lena experienced coercive control. Her husband dictated everything from what she wore to how she spoke. Even when he was emotionally abusive—belittling her and punishing her for “disobedience”—her Armenian upbringing made her believe that it was her duty to endure.

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Cultural norms can often make women feel they must bear the burden of an abusive marriage in silence. Divorce, in many cultures, is still stigmatized. “Divorce means you’re a failure, that you didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife,” Lena explained, a sentiment all too common. In many cases, it’s not just the abuse that keeps women in these marriages—it’s the fear of judgment and ostracization from their community.

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Marriage or Dictatorship?

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who, like Lena, believed that their happiness was secondary to maintaining the image of a perfect marriage. “Your family doesn’t want you, I’m the only one who will love you,” is what Lena’s husband repeatedly told her. It’s classic manipulation, making you believe that you’re unworthy of better, that somehow you deserve the pain. 

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But here’s what I want every woman to know: You do deserve better. You are not bound by these expectations, and there is a way out. If someone is controlling every aspect of your life—your finances, your freedom, your very identity—you are not in a partnership. You are in a dictatorship. A relationship should make you whole, not a prisoner. 

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The Great Escape

Walking away is hard, especially when cultural expectations are weighing heavily on you. But leaving that situation is not a failure—it’s a triumph. In Lena’s case, her escape came after the passing of her mother, which gave her a moment of clarity and freedom. “If my mom hadn’t passed, I don’t know how quickly I would have left,” she admitted, emphasizing how even after years of abuse, leaving can feel like the most daunting task.

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For some of you reading this, cultural obligations may feel like an unbreakable chain. But I want you to ask yourself: Is this the life you deserve? Does being a “good wife” mean sacrificing your safety, your self-worth, your future? You are not meant to walk on eggshells. No culture, no tradition, should demand that of you.

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Stress Kills, and It Doesn’t Bother Looking for an Alibi

The damage from domestic violence (emotional and/or physical) doesn’t just go away when you leave. Lena’s health suffered immensely. Her autoimmune disease, Hashimoto’s, was triggered by the relentless stress of her marriage. The trauma stayed with her body long after the emotional abuse ended. As I have said before and will continue to say, “Stress kills. Trauma induces stress. And the toll it takes on your body can last a lifetime.”

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In Lena’s story, we can see how chronic stress in her abusive marriage didn’t just harm her emotionally but also took a significant toll on her physical health. Stress, particularly when sustained over long periods, has been proven to have severe consequences on the body. In abusive relationships, like the one Lena endured, the constant emotional abuse and manipulation can push a person into a prolonged state of fight-or-flight mode. This kind of stress leads to elevated levels of cortisol, a hormone meant to help the body handle emergencies, but when present over extended periods, it can wreak havoc on various bodily systems.

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These Are the Facts Your Honor

Chronic stress has been linked to a number of serious health conditions, including heart disease, high blood pressure, digestive issues, anxiety, and depression. For Lena, the emotional abuse and coercive control not only impacted her mental health but triggered her autoimmune condition, which attacked her thyroid and led to various complications.

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What’s important to recognize here is that abuse isn’t just physical. Emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging—if not more so—because the scars are invisible but long-lasting. Emotional trauma leaves the body in a constant state of alert, which affects immune function, heart health, and even leads to digestive problems. Lena’s experience is a powerful reminder that the stress from emotional abuse can stay with you long after you’ve left the relationship, manifesting in both physical ailments and emotional scars.

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Stress kills, and it’s not just a saying. If you’re in a situation where stress is a constant presence due to emotional or physical abuse, understand that this stress is slowly eroding your well-being. Recognizing this impact is the first step toward healing.

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My Encouragement to You

If you, like Lena, have been enduring stress that has become a constant in your life, it’s essential to prioritize your health and take steps toward regaining control. Reach out for support, make an exit plan, and know that your emotional and physical health are worth fighting for.

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Like Lena, you can rebuild. You can find your voice again. Leaving isn’t just about escaping the abuse—it’s about reclaiming yourself.

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If you’re feeling trapped, take a moment to reflect. Is this the love you deserve? If not, start building a plan. Talk to someone you trust, reach out to support networks, and know that you have the strength to move forward.

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To every woman enduring the weight of abusive cultural obligations, I want you to hear this loud and clear: Your happiness, your safety, and your freedom matter. 

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You are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt.

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DVAM Resources 

• Follow @nrcdv on Instagram to stay updated on the 2024 Domestic Violence Awareness Project for resources, reflection guides, and ways to get involved.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.7233
  • Or Text BEGIN to 88788
• DVA Website for additional help and resources

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