Remember Those Red Flags? They Never Went Away

Let’s cut to the chase—relationships can be tricky, but there’s one thing you should never ignore: red flags. Those little warning signs that something’s not right? They’re your inner wisdom sounding the alarm. It’s time to stop brushing them aside and start recognizing them for what they are.

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I’m hoping this blog will act as a tool to remove the rose-colored glasses that seem to be permanently stuck to so many people’s faces. If it makes you feel better, I used to have a set of those glasses myself. 

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Red Means Stop, Green Means Go

We’ve all been there. You meet someone new, and it feels amazing at first. But soon, subtle signs start to appear. A comment that stings, a behavior that feels off, a pattern that becomes harder to ignore. But instead of confronting it, you push it down. “It’s nothing,” you tell yourself. “Everyone has flaws.” But here’s the thing, those red flags aren’t going anywhere. In fact, they’re only going to get bigger if you keep ignoring them.

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Ignoring red flags doesn’t make them disappear. It just allows them to grow into something that can wreak havoc on your emotional, mental, and even physical well-being. You’re smarter than that. You deserve better than that. 

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Are We Ignoring the Signs or Are We Blind to Them?

Love Blindness, It’s a Real Thing, and a Real Problem

We ignore red flags for many reasons, but first I want to acknowledge a state where sometimes we don’t even see them (despite the fact that they are bright red, come with alarm bells, usually induce emotional pain and would typically set your average person swiftly walking in the opposite direction). 

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We’re going to call this phenomenon “love blindness.” It’s that state where we’re so wrapped up in the emotions of a relationship that we overlook or rationalize red flags. It’s when we’re in love with the idea of the relationship, or perhaps in love with the potential we see in our partner, rather than who they are. Essentially, reality could be staring us in the face, yelling and waving its hands, and instead of saying ‘yes hello I see you,’ we pop on our rose-colored glasses and stroll along our merry way, hand-in-hand with our walking talking red flag. 

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Ignorance is Bliss (for a very short period of time!)

On the other hand, we sometimes consciously choose to ignore red flags. Things that would otherwise be deal-breakers become negotiable. We allow things like the fear of being alone, or the fear of change to keep us in a relationship we have no business being in. We also hold on to what’s familiar, even when it’s toxic, because the unknown feels scarier.

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Hope—AKA Playing with Fire

Then there’s hope. We hope things will change, that the person will see the light, that love will fix everything and surpass all the bad. But hoping for change when the evidence says otherwise is a dangerous game. You’re putting your happiness on hold for a future that might never come. Hope tends to follow the allure of potential. We see what the relationship could be, the future we’ve imagined together, and we cling to that vision. We focus on the good times, the sweet moments, and the things we love about our partner, convincing ourselves that the red flags are minor, temporary, or just a phase (it’s not a phase). 

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The point is, we might stay with someone who isn’t right for us, or worse, someone who’s toxic or abusive, because of all of these things. We tell ourselves that things will get better, that the good outweighs the bad, or that we can change our partner if we just love them enough. Pardon me while I attempt to forcibly remove your rose colored glasses when I say that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual care and should not be dependent on the possibility that the person you are with might one day resemble the fictional version of them that you have built in your head. 

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I don’t say these things harshly, or flippantly. I know that toxic relationships are notoriously the most difficult and painful to break out of. As a family law attorney, I have seen firsthand what toxic relationships are like. I was formerly a judge in a domestic violence court, and saw over 5,000 cases that dealt with domestic violence. Trust me, I know the signs. 

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Red Flags We Need to Acknowledge from Day One

Typically, when someone is in a toxic relationship, it didn’t necessarily start that way, or they didn’t recognize the signs when they were small. That being said, let’s go through the things we need to be looking out for from day one:

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1. Controlling Behavior: If someone is trying to control who you see, what you do, or how you think, that’s a big red flag. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and trust, not control.
2. Lack of Accountability: Are they always blaming others for their problems or refusing to take responsibility for their actions? That’s a sign of deeper issues that won’t be easily resolved.
3. Emotional Manipulation: Notice how they handle disagreements. Do they use guilt, shame, or manipulation to get their way? That’s toxic behavior, and it’s time to call it off.
4. Isolation: If they’re trying to cut you off from friends, family, or your support system, that’s a major red flag. A healthy partner encourages your connections with others, not isolates you.
5. Disrespect: If they’re consistently disrespectful, whether in private or public, it’s unacceptable. You deserve to be treated with respect, period. 

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Take Charge of Your Happiness

Spotting and acting on red flags isn’t about being cynical, it’s about being smart. You deserve a relationship that lifts you up, not one that drags you down. Don’t settle for anything less than respect, love, and kindness.

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If you’re seeing red flags, it’s time to act. Trust your instincts, stand firm in your boundaries, and don’t be afraid to make a change. You’re stronger than you think, and your well-being is worth every bit of it.

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Follow me on Instagram for more insights like this! @attorneymichelelocke

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