The Escape Plan: Financial Independence in the Wake of Domestic Abuse

In the second grade after the finalization of my parents divorce, my mother grabbed my chin, looked me square in the eyes, and said, “Michele, you get an education. You never depend on a man for anything.” That piece of advice has stayed with me my entire life and shaped not only my career but my understanding of what empowerment really means—especially for individuals trapped in abusive relationships.

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Over the years, I’ve handled countless domestic violence cases, and there’s one truth that stands out: without financial independence, leaving an abusive relationship can feel impossible. Control over finances is one of the most common and effective tools abusers use to keep their spouse dependent and trapped. Today, I want to talk about why financial independence is not just important—it’s essential.

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What is Financial Abuse?

When we think of domestic abuse, our minds often go to physical violence. But abuse takes many forms, and one of the most insidious forms is financial abuse. In many of the cases I’ve seen, spouses had their access to bank accounts cut off, were forbidden to work, or were forced to hand over their earnings to their abuser. Financial abuse is about power and control, and it’s used to make sure a victim feels they have no way out.

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If you’re reading this and feeling that familiar sense of entrapment, ask yourself: Do I have any control over my finances? Are my spending habits completely dictated by my significant other? Do I have the ability to make any financial decisions on my own, without fear of negative repercussions? If you keep saying ‘no,’ you might be in a situation where your partner is using money as a weapon to keep you from leaving. 

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Let me make myself clear: this is a form of abuse. This is not normal. Spouses should share in the burden of making financial decisions, and if not share in the burden, then understand that one should not have complete control over your spending, or fly into a rage (or inflict any kind of negative consequence) if you don’t run every transaction by them first. Healthy relationships are built on transparency, honesty, trust, communication, love and respect. 

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If you’re now pivoting to the argument that this is a cultural norm where you are from, or perhaps you have more traditional values, or faith based beliefs about your finances, this is understandable. But, none of these things excuse a partner's abusive pattern of dictatorship and control over your every choice, expense etc. 

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To the women reading this: in many marriages, the traditional role is for men to be the bread-winner. I want you to know, I have absolutely nothing against this! If you want to be a homemaker, a mother, be provided for and pursue hobbies or passions of your own without worrying about financial gain, that is absolutely okay by me. As long as you have the freedom to make those decisions yourself, then that’s wonderful, and I’m glad you’re pursuing what you love!

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But if you feel afraid of your partner, trapped by them, or experience a complete lack of control over your ability to work or make any financial decisions on your own, then no, that is not acceptable under any circumstances. Read that again. 

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I’ve already said it in so many words, but you should not experience fear in wanting to have an honest conversation about money with your partner. 

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It’s Not About Money, It’s About Control

Financial independence isn’t just about having money—it’s about having control over your life. Without it, it can feel like leaving is impossible. It’s my belief that education is your ticket to freedom. I don’t just mean a formal education, and I am not ignorant enough to assume everyone has the finances to invest in a formal education (especially if your spouse has total control of your finances).

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No, what I’m talking about is learning the basics of financial literacy—how to budget, save, and build credit. Understanding these concepts can empower you to take control of your financial situation, even if it feels like you’re starting from scratch.

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Financial Literacy: Start Here

Know Your Numbers

Start by understanding your financial situation. How much money do you have access to, if any? Are there bills you’re responsible for but not allowed to manage? This awareness is crucial. If you have no way of accessing this information, don’t panic. Keep reading for other steps you can take. Be wary of a spouse or partner that puts all of the bills and obligations in your sole name.

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Build a Budget

Even if you don’t have full access to your finances right now, start learning how to budget. Knowing how to manage money is the first step toward independence. There are hundreds of free resources available (I will be linking a few at the end of this blog) that you can access to learn how to budget. This is not just so you understand your current financial situation, but so that you have a good grasp on how you can manage your finances when the time comes. 

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Learn About Credit

If you’re not familiar with how credit works, that’s okay, but it’s time to educate yourself. Credit is vital for securing housing, loans, and even some jobs. If your credit has been damaged by your abuser, (even if you can’t find that out now) it will be useful knowledge to have in the future. The good news is, there are lots of resources to help you rebuild it.

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There are many free online courses and resources that can teach you financial literacy. Look into local community centers or nonprofits like The Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse program, which focuses on helping survivors of domestic violence achieve financial independence. 

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Steps to Build Financial Independence

Let me make this clear: building financial independence is a journey, and it won’t happen overnight. But every small step you take is a step closer to freedom.

Here are some practical actions that can help you get started: 

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• Start Small, But Start Now: Open a personal bank account if you can, even if you’re only depositing small amounts of money. This is your escape fund, and it’s vital. 

• Track Your Spending: Begin keeping track of your expenses, even if you aren’t in control of the finances. This will give you a clearer picture of where your money is going and where you might have opportunities to save. If you’re able to track your partner's spending, this will help you in court if and when you decide to seek freedom.

• Create a Budget: Once you have a grasp on your spending, create a basic budget. Prioritize essential expenses like food, housing, and utilities, and start thinking about how much you need to set aside for emergencies.

• Reduce Debt: If your abuser has accumulated debt in your name, or if you have personal debt, focus on paying it down. Start with the highest-interest debt and work your way through.

• Seek Professional Help: Financial advisors or counselors, especially those who work with survivors of domestic abuse, can help you navigate this complex process. There are also non-profit organizations that specialize in helping women rebuild financially after leaving an abusive relationship.

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Plan For Freedom

I understand that leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly hard, especially when you’re financially dependent on your abuser. But leaving without a plan can be dangerous, both emotionally and physically. That’s why an “escape plan” is critical.

Here’s what you need to think about:

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• Secure Important Documents: Gather identification, financial records, birth certificates, and any legal documents you might need. Keep them in a safe place. If your spouse would notice them missing, then take photos or try to make copies instead.  Ensure that you provide the pictures and documents to someone outside of your household that you trust. There should be an extra copy somewhere that someone you trust holds on to just in case.  

• Build an Emergency Fund: I know this isn’t easy, but try to set aside whatever money you can, even if it’s small. Every dollar matters when you’re planning your exit. I’m sure your mind is racing at this point with all of these steps, so let me remind you, you’re strong, you’re a survivor, you can do this.

• Find Safe Housing: Research shelters, transitional housing programs, or trusted friends and family who might be able to help. Safe housing is a key element of your plan.

• Establish a Support Network: Whether it’s friends, family, or domestic violence organizations, you need a team behind you when you’re ready to leave. Don’t try to do it alone. It is OK to ask for help.  You do not have to do it alone.  Abusive partners often isolate their partners as much as possible. If you don’t have friends or family you can safely get help from, then reach out to organizations like the National Domestic Violence and call their hotline (800-799-7233). They can help you develop an escape plan tailored to your situation. If your partner monitors your calls, use your emergency fund to buy a cheap burner phone, borrow a neighbor's phone, or borrow the store phone at a shop you frequent. 

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Reclaiming Your Confidence

The journey to financial independence is about more than just dollars and cents. It’s about rebuilding your confidence, your sense of self-worth, and your ability to stand on your own two feet. Abuse doesn’t just break your finances—it breaks your spirit. But with each step you take toward independence, you’re also reclaiming your life.

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You are worthy of a life free from fear. You are worthy of respect, love, and safety. And financial independence is a crucial piece of that puzzle.

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If you take one thing away from this blog, let it be this: You can do this. You can rebuild. You can create a new life. It starts with educating yourself, creating a plan, and taking small steps toward financial freedom. Every little bit of progress matters.

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Your happiness, your safety, and your freedom are worth fighting for.

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Resources for Help

Domestic Violence Abuse Resources 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.7233 OR Text BEGIN to 88788
• DVA Website for additional help and resources
• Follow @nrcdv on Instagram to stay updated on the 2024 Domestic Violence Awareness Project for resources, and reflection guides.

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Financial Literacy Resources

• The Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse Program: PurplePurse.com
• Financial Planning & Educational Resources: MyMoney.gov
• Building Credit: 9 Ways to Build Credit for Free
• Top Ranked Budgeting Apps: The Best Budget Apps for 2024

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