Stalking in the Digital Age: Strictly Stalking & Family Law

Recently I appeared on an episode of the podcast “Strictly Stalking,” hosted by Jaimie Beebe and Jake Deptula. As I was once a Domestic Violence Court Judge, I’ve dealt with numerous distressing stalking cases in El Paso County. Ultimately judges and lawyers tend to cycle through Domestic Violence Court because of the weight of the cases you see on a daily basis. It’s difficult to stay there for so long and not develop an extremely cynical view of the world, and not allow some of the more horrific cases to get to you. 

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I was asked to come on the “Strictly Stalking” podcast—Ep, 224 Stalking & Family Law—to provide insight and guidance to listeners who are navigating court proceedings with their stalkers. It’s important to bring awareness to the challenges faced by survivors, and point out the nuances that young lawyers need to expect in their court proceedings when it comes to family law and stalking. 

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As I reflect on my journey and many years of experience in family law as both a judge and an attorney, I am constantly reminded of the deeply personal motivations that propelled me into the legal profession. I grew up in a household marked by domestic violence, so I developed a profound empathy for those silenced by the fear and trauma caused by their abuse. I knew my purpose was to serve those who were seeking protection from their abusers. 

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I was eight when my father told me I wasn’t allowed to become a lawyer, so like any rebellious kid I said that’s it, that’s what I want to do. By nine years old I knew I wanted to be a judge. I was young, but I wanted to help other people either not go through what I went through, or help them navigate the system so that they could better protect themselves. More often than not, you’ll find victims of stalking and domestic violence have lost their voice. Their voice has been scared or beaten out of them, and they’re afraid to get help. When I recognized that quiet fear, it only fueled me more to pursue a career in law. 

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During my tenure on the bench, I witnessed firsthand the evolution of stalking laws, particularly in Texas. Legislative amendments in 2011 expanded protections for victims, acknowledging the complexities of stalking in the digital age and its pervasive impact on intimate relationships. As technology advanced, so did the methods of stalking, presenting new challenges in identifying and addressing insidious behaviors. 

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One of the most profound realizations during my time on the bench was the intricate interplay between domestic conflicts and pure stalking incidents. Each case demanded a nuanced approach, recognizing the unique dynamics at play within familial relationships. This complexity underscored the imperative of a thorough understanding of the law and a keen sensitivity to the experiences of survivors.  

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For example—and I tell the full story on the podcast episode—I once dealt with a case where a football player was stalking a cheerleader. He was convinced they were in love, but they’d had no interactions. He would circle parking lots looking for her and drop fruit baskets off at her house at 6:00 in the morning. It can be difficult for someone not in that situation to understand that a fruit basket is threatening. The thing is, the brothers even beat this guy up and told him to leave her alone and not to come back, but he came back anyway. In court, he said he just wanted her to tell him “no” definitively, and he was still looking for that “no.” From the bench I told him, “she is suing you in court for a protective order. This means she doesn’t want to be with you.” It can’t be any more clear than that, but family law is fact based, and that is why it was so important that stalking laws changed to encompass the consideration of people in relationships. Because if we only looked at the edible fruit basket as a fact and did not consider the cheerleader’s interpretation of the fruit basket being a threat, then we would’ve missed that he was a stalker, and she was in danger. 

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On the podcast I talk about the commonality between stalkers. In terms of looks, there are none. It would be a lot easier if we could look at someone and just know they were a stalker, but it doesn’t work like that. What I was struck by was the prevalence of underlying mental health issues. From narcissism to substance abuse, these factors often served as underlying drivers of stalking behaviors, amplifying the risk posed to survivors. 

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In recounting my experiences on the bench in this episode, I want to emphasize the power of storytelling in shaping legal outcomes. Each narrative, no matter how seemingly insignificant, held the potential to sway the court. If you’re a young lawyer who’s handling their first stalking case, I would encourage you to listen to this podcast episode. When giving guidance to a survivor before they take the stand, encourage them to speak their truth, including the fear and honest feelings of what they have gone through. They must articulate these things to the court, so that the court understands what it feels like. Without this, a threat might pass as a fruit basket. 

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Podcast Episode Now Available to Stream on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts and Spotify. 

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